


Friendship Panties and Why Clint Absolutely Loathes Them

by weird_situation



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crossdressing, F/F, Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 12:06:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint, Tony, and Darcy go undercover. Shenanigans ensue.</p>
<p>(This is the extended cut of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/388850">Rub That Glitter and Grease Around</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Friendship Panties and Why Clint Absolutely Loathes Them

**Author's Note:**

> So this is ridiculously self-indulgent. Just saying.
> 
> One of Clint's lines was shamelessly stolen from Suits.
> 
> Also I doubt Tony and Clint's chests are hairy enough to warrant waxing, but I am taking liberty with their body hair here.

“Ow! Jesus, Barton. Watch where you’re putting that thing.”  


“It wouldn’t hurt if you would stop moving! Now we have to start over.” Clint glared at Tony as he reached for a washcloth. Tony glared right back as he rubbed his eye, fingers coming away covered in black eyeliner.  


“You look like a fucking raccoon.”  


“And whose fault is that?”  


“The idiot who rubbed his eye?” Clint began wiping the eyeliner off Tony’s face, movements gentle despite his mocking tone.  


“Whatever. JARVIS, find us another tutorial, would you?”  


“Right away, sir. Might I suggest asking someone for help?”  


Clint rolled his eyes. “That would mean explaining ourselves. I refuse to explain this.”  


“Of course Agent Barton. I’ve found a tutorial created by a 15-year-old this time. Perhaps her techniques will be at your skill level.”  


Clint flipped off the ceiling in the corner of the room where he knew one of JARVIS’ cameras was.   


“You wound me.”  


“Stark, your AI is being snippy again.” Clint frowned, then shrugged and reached over to press play on the video. “Also, why are all these girls so bubbly? It’s kinda freaking me out.”  


“You deal with aliens and super villains on a regular basis and girls being perky is what scares you?”  


“I never said I was scared! Just…mildly concerned at the level of enthusiasm they’re showing towards make-up. Totally different thing.”  


Tony and Clint watched the youtube video intently, analyzing the way the teen put on her eyeliner.  


“It looks so easy when they do it,” Tony said, referring to the twenty or so girls they’d watched explain how to do eyeliner. And why was there so many different kinds of eyeliner? Gel, liquid, pencil...it was baffling.  


Clint nodded in agreement and held out the eyeliner. Pencil, because they’d decided that would be easiest.  


“It’s your turn to do me. Please don’t get that shit in my eye again.”  


“I make no guarantees.”  


Tony carefully lined Clint’s upper lash line, only smudging the eyeliner twice, which was the best they’d done so far. Tongue between his teeth, Tony started on the lower lash line. It went well. Until Dummy tried to help and nudged Tony’s arm so the pencil jabbed the side of Clint’s nose.  


“Ow,” Clint said, glaring at Dummy. Dummy beeped and nudged Clint’s leg in apology.   


Tony tossed the eyeliner over his shoulder and handed Clint the washcloth.  


“We need help.” Tony stared at Clint until the other man nodded in defeat.  


“I’ll call her. Might as well start heating the wax. We know how to do that well enough.”  


*  


“I’m just saying it would be faster and we wouldn’t have to do this –” Tony ripped off the cotton strip, along with Clint’s leg hairs, pointedly “– every time we needed you in a dress or you get the urge to have silky smooth legs.”  


Clint rolled his eyes and grimaced as Tony pulled another strip off. “You planning on putting me in a dress a lot?”  


“Well you do have the ass for it.”  


“I know I do. I’m just not letting anything you made come at me with lasers. No offense, Dummy.” The robot in question just whirred and held out more cotton strips for Tony.  


“What I don’t understand is why I’m the one waxing your legs. Pretty sure you can do it.”  


“But I never get my legs as smooth as you do.” Clint batted his eyelashes at Tony and grinned when the other man let out a snort of amusement. “Besides, I like the way you rub lotion on me.”  
Tony, who’d just started to rub aloe on Clint’s irritated skin, flipped the archer off. He kept rubbing the lotion into Clint’s legs though.  


“Sir, Miss Lewis has arrived. Shall I send her down?” JARVIS said.  


“Yeah. Better put on your pants.” Tony threw Clint’s sweats at his head.  


By the time Darcy arrived, Tony and Clint managed to be somewhat presentable. Meaning they both had pants on, yet had somehow lost their shirts. Dummy held up Tony’s shirt in Darcy’s direction and she said hello to the robot and took the shirt from him, tossing it to Tony.  


“I don’t even want to know.”  


Clint just shrugged at her and leaned against a table. “It was Dummy’s fault.”  


“Mmhmm.” Darcy arched an eyebrow.  


It actually was Dummy’s fault.   


The robot loved Darcy more than anyone, except Tony, because she gave him stickers of the sparkly variety. He liked to put them on his body because Darcy said that made him pretty. Tony hated it, but Dummy pouted whenever he said anything negative about the stickers. So they stayed.  


Dummy had learned Darcy enjoyed watching the Avengers wander around in various states of undress and did his best to accommodate her. So far no one had picked up on Dummy’s master plan, though Natasha was starting to get suspicious.  


Darcy walked further into the workshop and sighed.  


“I can see there’s still a lot of work to be done.”  


Clint and Tony looked at each other in confusion.  


“Nooo,” Clint said slowly. “Tony already waxed my legs. He’s wearing stockings, so there’s no need to wax his. You just need to do our make-up.” He blinked. “That’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.”  


“It’s cute the way you believe what you’re saying. Dummy?” Darcy turned to the robot and grabbed the leftover cotton strips he’d picked up. “Thank you, my good sir.”  


Dummy beeped in delight and Tony rolled his eyes.  


“That’s disturbing. You know he has a crush on you, right?” Tony asked.  


“Well, duh. Kinda hard to miss. But I think it’s cute.” She rummaged in her bag and pulled out a sheet of Avengers stickers. Pulling off one of Thor, Darcy knelt down and offered Dummy the sticker, ignoring Tony’s insistence that Dummy be given Iron Man stickers if he was going to be decorated. Delighted, Dummy carefully took the sticker and placed it on his body. Darcy smoothed it out and patted the robot on the side before standing up and examining Tony and Clint to determine what was a priority.   


She motioned Clint over to her and told him to lie down on one of the work benches. He shrugged and laid down where Darcy indicated.  


“Why am I lying down?”  


Darcy hummed a little. “Waxing your chest.”  


Clint scrambled off the bench and pulled a yelping Tony in front of him.  


“No. Not only no. Fuck no.”  


“Yes. Not only yes. Fuck yes. See, I can swear too. Tony. Get out of the way.”  


Tony started to move from Clint’s grasp, but the other man just tightened his grip.  


“No.”  


Darcy sighed and put the cotton strips down. She pushed Dummy’s arm away from where he’d been trying to hand her the container of heated wax and crossed her arms.  


“Look. This is getting done either way, and it would be in your best interests to not fight me on this. Because I will get Natasha. Now, Tony. Move.”  


Tony wiggled out of Clint’s arms. “Sorry buddy. I value my life.”  


“Traitor,” hissed Clint.  


Darcy pointed to the work bench. Clint glared at her until she pulled her phone out, then he made his way over and laid back down.  


“I want it on the record that I’m doing this under duress.”  


“Noted, sir,” JARVIS said, amusement lacing his voice.  


“I hate him. I really do,” Clint said to Tony. The older man nodded in sympathy and then quickly reached out to stop Dummy from pouring hot wax on Clint’s chest.  


“We let humans do the wax, remember?”  


Dummy beeped in acknowledgement and grabbed more cotton strips. Tony was starting to wonder if he’d set up some sort of cosmetology subroutine in Dummy at some point. The robot had a previously unknown love for making people pretty.  


Clint glared at the ceiling, keeping any derogatory comments about Tony’s demon robot to himself. Last time he’d said something mean to Dummy when Darcy was around the resulting dressing down had fueled the gossip mill at SHIELD for a month. Even Fury had commented on Darcy’s choice of threats; Clint wasn’t sure whether to be proud of Darcy for impressing Fury or disturbed.  


“Fucking shit balls!” yelped Clint as Darcy ripped off a strip of chest hair. Tony winced and held out a hand for Clint to hold. “I’m not in fucking labor,” hissed Clint when he saw the hand.  


Darcy rolled her eyes as she spread more wax on Clint’s chest. When Darcy smoothed a cotton strip on the wax, Clint’s hand scrambled for Tony’s. Tony didn’t even smirk at the archer.  
He did grimace as Darcy ripped the strip off and Clint’s hand tightened painfully around his. This wasn’t going to be a fun afternoon.  


*  


Clint’s chest was red. Very red and very painful looking. Tony cringed just looking at it.  


“Soothe him,” Darcy commanded as she tossed the bottle of lotion over to Tony.  


Clint hissed and shrank away from the cold of the lotion, before groaning in relief.  


“I love you.”  


“I know.”  


Darcy snorted at them and petted Dummy. She watched as Clint got off the work bench and looked in the mirror Tony had brought over.  


“Oh god. I feel like a twink.”  


“Don’t be ridiculous. You have way too much muscle to be a twink.” Darcy turned to face Tony. “Now, Tony. Clint’s not the only one wearing a dress tonight.”  


Tony’s eyes widened and Clint cackled. Darcy pulled out her phone again, and Tony slumped into himself before trudging over to the work bench.  


“Clint. Hand,” Tony demanded. He wasn’t even going to try and tough it out.  


Dummy patted Tony’s head after the first section of hairless skin was revealed and the man had cursed for five minutes with minimal breath intake.  


“Oh my god. You big baby.” Darcy looked up to the ceiling and huffed out a breath before getting back to work.  


*  


“How do people willingly do that on a regular basis?” Tony asked as he finished rubbing lotion into his skin.  


“Beauty is pain, babe,” Darcy said as she nudged Dummy in the direction of a mess. “Just be glad I refuse to manscape you two.”  


Tony edged away from her, hands drifting down to protect sensitive parts of his anatomy.  


“What part of ‘I refuse to touch your dangly bits’ was hard to understand? Stop acting like it’s my life’s goal to get rid of all your body hair. Because trust me dude, not exactly pleasant for me either.”  


Tony wasn’t sure if he should be offended at her words or not. He decided to ignore them and watch Clint instead.  


Clint had on strappy black heels and was wandering around the workshop, focusing on his balance. He was doing quite well for his first time.  


“Sir, Captain Rogers and Doctor Banner are approaching,” JARVIS said, causing a flurry of activity from the three in the room.  


“Fuck. Help!” Clint shook his leg, one of his shoes refusing to come off. Darcy rushed over and pulled it off, knocking Clint over in the process. He grabbed her arm in an attempt to stay upright, but he dragged her down into  a pile of limbs on the floor. Tony was too busy shoving waxing supplies and various beauty products into drawers to notice their distress.

“Umm. Is this a bad time?” Steve asked from the doorway. Bruce just stared, brow furrowed in confusion.  


Clint and Darcy’s heads snapped up to look at him and Darcy scrambled to her feet, kicking the offending heel away from her and Clint.  


“No! It’s a great time. Never been a better time. Dummy, why don’t you get us some cookies?” Darcy said, smoothing down her shirt.   


Steve just gave her a puzzled look before turning to Tony. He grew more perplexed as he noticed Tony’s bare chest that was quite red and hairless.  


“Tony? Is there any reason you aren’t wearing a shirt? And your chest looks like it’s burned?” asked Steve.  


Clint laughed from his position on the floor, hands covering his face. Bruce eyed him warily and took a cautious step forward.  


Tony’s face turned as red as his chest and he looked around for his shirt. Unfortunately, he’d shoved it in a drawer in his rush to hide incriminating evidence, so while he could see a sleeve poking out of said drawer, retrieving it was out of the question. He shrugged and crossed his arms in an attempt to cover his chest. It didn’t work too well.  


“Well. You see. The thing is...fuck, I’ve got nothing,” Tony said looking down at Clint in hopes he’d have an answer.  


“Need to know basis and at the moment you don’t need to know,” Clint said, words muffled as he rolled onto his stomach. Darcy poked him in the side with her foot and he exhaled nosily before getting to his feet.  


“Are you going to do something stupid or dangerous?” asked Steve, his face blank.  


“Stupid? Always. But not actually dangerous this time, so I feel we’re making progress in the shenanigans department, wouldn’t you agree?” Tony grinned at Steve, though it faltered when Steve didn’t return it. “Anyway, what did you boys need?”  


“It can wait, right?” Bruce asked Steve. For some reason asking them to entertain Thor while the others went to a gallery opening was looking like a bad idea. They’d just call Jane.  


Steve paused in the doorway as he and Bruce exited and looked back at the trio, suspicion written all over his face, before following Bruce up the stairs.  


“JARVIS. Love of my life. Please make sure Steve, or anyone else, doesn’t watch the security feed for the last few hours,” Clint said, getting back down on the floor to search for the shoe Darcy had kicked.  


“Of course. Though I must say, I feel you only love me when you need something.”  


“Baby, don’t be like that. You know I always love you.”  


“Why are you and my AI flirting? It’s worse than Dummy’s crush.” Tony looked perturbed.  


“Don’t be jealous, sir. You’ll always be the number one man in my life,” JARVIS said.   


Rolling his eyes, Tony made his way over to the drawer where his shirt had been stuffed. He didn’t understand why everyone said Tony was the one who had a weird machine fetish when it was clearly everyone else who had designs on his robots’ virtues.  


“C’mon guys. Time to make you pretty princesses,” Darcy said, pulling out a bag of make-up from her purse.  


Clint eyed the bag wearily, clutching the shoe he’d found under one of Tony’s cars to his chest. He could face down Darcy and her taser, but that little bag of cosmetics terrified him. One glance at Tony showed him the other man felt the same.  


*  


“This isn’t working,” Tony gasped out as he tried to pull the stockings over his thighs.  


“Told you all those doughnuts were going straight to your thighs,” Darcy said. She gave Clint a warning glare as he began to open his mouth. If he moved and messed up her work, again, they were going to have words.  Words that involved pinching and hair pulling.

Clint kept his mouth shut, acting as though he wasn’t even thinking about moving.  


“Fuck you,” Tony said, one thigh finally covered and the stocking attached to the garter belt.  


Dummy bumped his arm into Tony’s leg, displeased with the way he spoke to Darcy.  


“I can’t believe my own creation is turning on me for a woman.” Tony shook his head mournfully.  


Clint snorted; luckily Darcy had finished with the mascara. She nodded at him, indicating it was okay for him to talk while she picked out a lipstick.  


“Dude. I expected Dummy to abandon you for a toaster, so really, you should be happy it took someone like Darcy to sway his affections.”  


“Clint that is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said about me.”  


“Of course, Dummy could just be a chest man.” Clint waggled his eyebrows at Darcy.  


“And there’s the Clint we know and tolerate,” Tony said as Darcy punched Clint. Dummy beeped in agreement.  


*  


“My work here is done.” Darcy stood back and grinned in satisfaction at the sight of Clint and Tony all dolled up.  


Tony’s dress was very short, and very red. It had one off the shoulder sleeve and ruffles down the side. He was wearing the black stockings he’d had so much trouble with, gold heels, and gold clip on earrings (Darcy tried to talk him into actually piercing his ears, but Tony had some limits. Only because he was afraid Darcy would let Dummy be the one to actually do the piercing. She enjoyed tormenting him like that.).  


Clint’s dress was longer, but still short, purple, and sleeveless. Unlike Tony, his legs were bare. Clint wore a delicate silver cuff on his wrist and a silver ring that on closer inspection was actually shaped like an arrow. (Tony had presented it to him when they were dressing for the evening; something about making sure Clint was always armed. Clint thought it was sweet. And weird.)  


“Not quite,” Tony said, walking unsteadily in his heels over to one of his cars and pulling out a garment bag. Clint grinned at Darcy’s baffled look.  


“You have been conscripted Darcy Lewis.” Tony handed Darcy the bag and she opened it to reveal a tuxedo.  


“I’m sorry, what? No. The deal was I’d make you boys pretty and you’d cater to my every whim for a month. There was no mention of Darcy dealing with your special brand of crazy all night. Last time I did that we ended up waiting for Steve to rescue us from mutated petting zoo animals who either wanted to eat us or mate with us. And the time before that I got kidnapped by possessed hipsters who thought I was their reincarnated queen. I know what happens when you two conspire.” Darcy backed away, eyes darting around the room looking for exits. She really needed to stop agreeing to help these guys. Or at least have her taser within reach at all times and not in her bag by the door. Fuck.  


Exchanging a look, Tony and Clint started to circle Darcy. She squeaked and broke for the door. Tony grabbed her waist and held on as best he could until she knocked him off balance (ridiculously easy to do while he was wearing heels). Clint snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around Darcy, pinning her arms to her sides. She kicked out half-heartedly, already resigning herself to whatever plans the pair had for the night. It would be easier to resist their plans if they weren’t so much  fun.  


Tony got to his feet, wobbling all the way up, and picked up the garment bag that had been tossed to the floor in the commotion. He approached Clint and Darcy warily, his unsteadiness on heels not helping to put him at ease.  


“Please?” Tony turned on the puppy eyes.   


Darcy started cursing vehemently. She hated the puppy eyes. Resisting them was impossible and Tony knew it. The fucker.  


“Fine. Fine. But I reserve the right to call Natasha at any time for backup.” Darcy shrugged Clint off and held out a hand for the tuxedo.  


Clint and Tony fist bumped and grinned at Darcy as she stomped off to the bathroom to change.  


“Do I want to know how you got this to fit so well?” Darcy called out after a few minutes.  


“Blame JARVIS! I always do,” Clint replied, looking at his nails and wondering if he should paint them.  


He bet  Natasha would be willing to share her polish if Darcy refused to speak to him ever again after tonight. Purple nails would be awesome.  


“JARVIS! Do you seriously know my measurements?” Darcy screeched.  


“Only because you input the information when you order clothing on Mr. Stark’s credit card, Miss Lewis.”  


“Oh yeah. Alright, JARVIS, you are not a pervert. I apologize for thinking the worst of you.”  


“That’s quite alright.”  


Darcy exited the bathroom, tux mostly on. The jacket was hanging over one of her shoulders, the bowtie undone, and she wasn’t wearing shoes or socks, but Tony and Clint still had a little trouble focusing until she snapped her fingers in their faces.  


“Boys. Please, let’s not objectify each other tonight.”  


“If you insist,” Tony said, reaching over to tie her bowtie. Darcy thought about batting his hands away, but, since she really had no clue how to tie it herself, she let him get on with it.  


“I don’t mind being objectified; I know exactly how amazing my ass looks in this dress,” said Clint as he pulled out a top hat and monocle for Darcy. She eyed them warily.  


“So what exactly are we doing?”  


“Infiltrating an alien base disguised as hookers,”  Clint said, back to pondering his nails. He heard glitter nail polish was a bitch to get off, but he really liked the way it looked. Was it worth the hassle? Maybe there was some secret removal trick he didn’t know about.  


“Excuse me?” Darcy’s voice had gone low and extremely dangerous. The hair on the back of Clint’s neck rose and he bit his lip, nails forgotten.  


“You’re not a hooker. Obviously.” Tony to the rescue. “You’re our manservant.” And now they were dead again. Clint really needed to teach Tony subterfuge.   


Darcy glared and stomped over to where there was socks and shoes for her to wear. She put them on, almost ripping through the toe of a sock, she pulled it on with such force.   


“Also, we’re not hookers either. We are high class escorts, Barton. Remember that.” Tony was oblivious to Darcy’s rage and Clint worried for the other man’s life, he really did.  


“I’m going to kill you. I know I say this every time you manage to convince me to indulge your plans, but I swear this time I will actually kill you.” Tony looked at Darcy, mouth hanging open. She held up a hand, refusing to let him speak. “I’m helping you tonight because I’m already in the damn tux, and I have a brand new panic button, courtesy of SHIELD, that I am not afraid to use, but I’m warning you, Stark, Barton, if I get abducted or probed, or anything freaky, I will end you.”  


Looking suitably terrified, Clint and Tony nodded.  


“Also, I refuse to be your manservant. If you’re hookers, excuse me, _high class escorts_ , you need a pimp. And that’s me.” Darcy crossed her arms, her eyes daring Clint and Tony to argue.  


“Pimps are good. We definitely need a pimp, right?” Tony’s voice was a tad squeaky as he turned to Clint. “We are unruly escorts. We need a firm hand to keep us in line.”  


“Keep your pimp hand strong,” Clint deadpanned.  


Darcy giggled and held out her arms for Tony and Clint to latch onto.  


“Let’s get this over with.”  


*  


“Wait. So we’re going to a club? Why does this require disguises?” Darcy was confused.  


“It’s a club run by aliens. And I think they’re plotting dastardly deeds against the Avengers.”  


Darcy and Clint stared at Tony.  


“Dude,” Darcy said slowly, “did you seriously just say dastardly with a straight face?”  


“Yes?” Tony didn’t understand why they were giving him that look. Dastardly was a perfectly acceptable adjective. More people should be using it.  


Clint’s bark of laughter brought Tony out of his musings.  


“No dastardly deeds here. And Tony knows that. It’s...a fan club of sorts.”  


“Fan club.” Darcy could see exactly where this was going now. “This fan club. It wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain group of idiots who call themselves superheroes now would it?”  


“You’re calling Natasha an idiot?” Tony looked delighted at this.  


“She hasn’t killed you yet, so yes. She’s an idiot.”   


Tony didn’t look as pleased with that.  


“So. We’re infiltrating a nightclub that’s based off you guys and you’re dressed as hookers why?” Darcy really needed to start supervising their planning sessions before agreeing to anything.  


“Because we wanted to?” Tony sounded unsure of his answer.  


“Speak for yourself. I’m only dressed as a hooker because I was coerced.”  


“If by coerced you mean begged pathetically until I took pity on you, then yes. Coercion at its finest.”  


“Oh my god. You guys are six-year-olds. Do I need to put you in time out?”  


Tony and Clint glowered at each other and then sullenly apologized. Darcy nodded and lead them over to the line forming at the club’s door.  


“Waiting in line is boring,” Tony said, four minutes later. Clint rolled his eyes and Darcy pinched Tony’s arm. Tony fell silent. For all of three minutes.  


“Seriously, you guys stay undercover and I will infiltrate the club as myself. It’ll be brilliant and they’ll never see it coming.”  


“No.”  


“Please?”  


“No.”  


“You’re a horrible human being, Barton. I hope you know that.” Tony folded his arms over his chest.  


Clint shrugged and went back to observing the people standing in line. Several people wore Avengers costumes, but not a single person was wearing a Hawkeye one. Fuckers.  


Eventually they were in the club. Darcy headed straight for the dance floor while Tony made his way to the bar. Clint started looking for aliens. Because they really did need to know if the aliens were fans or something  more sinister.

“Clint! Look at this!” Tony shoved an alarmingly green drink with a purple umbrella in Clint’s face. “It’s called a Hulk Smasher and you have to sign a waiver to order it.”  


Clint pinched the  bridge of his nose. He was a highly trained SHIELD agent. He could handle a Tony determined to get drunk and still figure out if the aliens running the club were evil or not. Hopefully.  


Luckily Darcy was coming towards them. Clint grabbed her arm and wrapped her hand around Tony’s wrist.  


“You are now Stark sitting. Do not let him do anything stupid.”  


Darcy gave Clint a sloppy salute with her free hand and stole a sip of Tony’s drink. Her eyes widened and she took it away from Tony and set it on a random table.  


“I don’t think you should be drinking that,” she said, ignoring the kicked puppy look on Tony’s face. “Pretty sure that will kill you.”  


Clint nodded in approval and started to head towards the back of the club to try and figure out what the aliens wanted.  


He could have just waited two minutes.  


Giant grey gelatinous blobs came on the stage at the front of the club and started talking. Loudly and rather squeakily about their heroes, the most wondrous and noble Avengers.   


Tony was in heaven. He dragged Darcy to the bar and ordered another Hulk Smasher for him, and a Captain America for Darcy (virgin, of course, she was driving after all). Shrugging, Darcy gave up on Stark sitting and sipped her drink, amused at the way Tony’s eyes widened every time he took a sip of his drink.  


Clint was just standing at the back of the club gaping at the aliens. He wasn’t sure whether to be excited or freaked out that aliens knew his name and thought he was awesome. Either way, he was pretty sure they weren’t going to be a threat. Unless they had super stalking powers. That would be creepy.  


And why was one of the blobs coming towards him?  


*  


“I always thought aliens would be more...impressive. And less into glitter. Seriously, there should never be glitter raining down for a solid half an hour. I think I swallowed enough to vomit a disco ball,” Darcy said as she started her car. Since neither Tony nor Clint could drive in heels, Darcy had been elected driver for the night. She elected to have neither ride shotgun, much to their disappointment. Like the fuckers deserved to sit in the front seat after making her deal with alien fanboys while sober.  


“They were just really happy to have us there.” And Clint was going to ensure they never went back again because he really didn’t need to be paraded around like a show horse by aliens he’d never even met before. They could at least buy him dinner first. The glitter was excessive, he had to admit. Not that there was ever really a right amount of glitter.  


Tony poked Darcy’s ear.  


“I like you.” He stroked her lobe.  


“Oh god. You are so drunk and so creepy and I don’t even know what’s going on. Clint. Make him keep his hands to himself.” Darcy flapped a hand over her shoulder in Tony’s general direction in hopes of shooing him away. Tony patted her on the head.  


Tony let Clint pull his hands away and he turned his attention to the other man. He poked Clint’s ears, then his nose.  


“I like you too,” Tony declared with a huge grin. Clint couldn’t help returning it and flicked one of Tony’s ears.  


“And I like you, buddy.” Clint ignored Darcy’s snort of amusement and looked at the clock. Two AM. Perfect. No one would be awake when they got home. He turned back to Tony in time to see the other man pulling off his stockings.  


Attempting to anyways.  


“Tony, no. We keep our clothes on in the car.”  


“That’s not what you said last night...morning...time of the day in which we are in cars. Or was that the Quinjet?” Tony mumbled, still stuck on the stockings. Of course the only reason they removed their clothes on the Quinjet the one time was because they were covered in acid, but Tony seemed to forget little details like that when drunk.  


Clint shut his eyes briefly before coming to Tony’s rescue. He ignored Tony’s protestations and pushed his dress up until he could unhook the stockings from the garter belt. Figuring Tony could handle it from there, Clint sat back in his seat.  


“No sexytimes in the back of my car unless I’m involved,” Darcy called back to the pair. Clint flipped her off.  


“No sexytimes with the hawk. That’s an order from the man with the taser,” Tony said, proud he’d remembered why he and Clint couldn’t have sex.  


“I have a taser,” muttered Darcy.  


Tony managed to pull one stocking off before giving up and turned to Clint, puppy dog eyes at the ready.  


“Help,” he said, shoving the un-stockinged leg in Clint’s lap.  


“Other leg, dipshit.”  


Tony smiled and switched legs, almost falling off the seat in the process.   


How is this my life? Clint asked himself as he removed Tony’s stocking. And wow. Tony’s feet smelled like ass.  


“Your feet smell like ass.”  


“No! They smell like roses and flowers and sunshine. You’re just jealous.” Tony’s voice drifted off as he leaned over in an attempt to smell his feet.  


“Jealous of what? Your ass smelling feet?”  


“Dude, you know that sounds like his feet have noses and are smelling butts.”  


“Darcy! Not helping.”   


There was a loud thump as Tony fell headfirst off the seat and onto the floor.  


“Ow. I think my nose broke my fall, so that’s good, right?” Tony shifted until he was laying on his back, legs stretched out as far as they could in Darcy’s tiny car.  


“Very good,” Clint said, reaching down to feel Tony’s head for bumps.  


“Feels good,” Tony said, leaning into Clint’s hand. “Why can’t we have sex?”  


“Oh god.” Darcy was never going to let Tony live this down. Ever.  


Clint sighed. “Because I’m in a relationship and you’re pining away for someone tall and blond.”  


“Thor? I don’t think I’m pining for him. Ha. Pining. Like a Christmas tree.”  


“No. Tony. You...I can’t deal with this now. You know exactly who you’re in love with and you’re being difficult on purpose because even when you’re drunk you’re a little shit.”  


“Do you love me?”  


“Did you just igno-? You know what? I don’t even care.” Clint ran a hand through his hair and tried to avoid looking  at the pout on Tony’s face. But it was too strong. They really needed to work on weaponizing it; battles would go so much faster if the villains fell prey to puppy dog eyes. “Fuck. Yes, fine, I love you. In a completely bromantic manner.”  


“This is so going on tumblr.”  


“I will unfollow your ass so hard, Darcy, just give me a reason.”  


“Alright, alright, don’t get your panties in a twist. Your pretty pretty panties.” Darcy laughed as Clint threw random things laying around the backseat at her. “Dude, not my fault Tony talked you into wearing them.”  


“We match!” Tony perked up and started hiking his dress up to show them his black lace underwear, that indeed matched the pair Clint was wearing.  


“No, Tony!” Clint slapped Tony’s hands away from the hem of Clint’s dress. “You can show off your underwear, but mine stays on me, under the dress.” Fuck he made some interesting life decisions if Tony Stark trying to steal his panties was a legitimate concern.  


Darcy figured tonight had been one of the better times she’d gotten roped into helping Tony and Clint. If only because Tony was seriously invested in getting Clint to show off his half of their matching panties.  


*  


“Shhh,” whispered Clint as he and Tony entered the floor the Avengers shared in Stark Tower. “You’re going to get us caught.”  


Tony giggled helplessly and waved his hand holding his gold heels. He stumbled and grabbed Clint’s arm with the same hand holding the heels.  


“Fuck! Stark, watch where you’re shoving things.” Clint attempted to stay quiet, but his voice rose as Tony’s heels dug into his arm. That was going to bruise. Clint really didn’t want to explain strange bruises to Phil again.  


Lights flooded the hallway and Clint groaned when he saw Natasha’s head poking out of a doorway. The groan turned to a whimper as a grin slowly stretched across her face. Tony just waved happily at her. Clint had hoped the late hour would have meant everyone was in bed. Of course they wouldn’t be that lucky.  


“This is all your fault,” hissed Clint to Tony as Natasha made her way over to the pair.  


“Bruce! I think you’ll want to see this,” Natasha called out, never taking her eyes off the men huddled together by the front door. “JARVIS? Can you please tell Steve and Thor their presence is required?”  


“Of course.” JARVIS said, a hint of amusement in his voice.  


Tony frowned. “Traitor!”  


“Indeed, sir.”  


“What do I want to – oh. Yeah. Well.” Bruce stuttered as he caught sight of Tony and Clint. “You two are quite…sparkly?”  


Clint buried his head in his hands as Tony attempted to brush the copious amounts of glitter covering him off. He stopped after hitting himself several times with the heels he still held.  


It never occurred to Tony to drop them.  


“What did you – oh. Uh. Tony? Clint?” Steve took in the scene: Bruce giggling, Natasha smirking, and Tony and Clint folding in on themselves to hide the fact that…well.  


“Why are our companions dressed in female attire?” boomed Thor from behind Steve, cutting straight to the point as usual.  


“This is not what it looks like,” Tony said. Clint snorted and straightened the hem of his dress.  


“I’m not even sure what it looks like,” Steve admitted, hand over his mouth to hide his grin. Bruce made a noise of agreement.  


“Is this what you were doing in the workshop today?” asked Bruce.  


“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t want to,” Clint said while taking his shoes off. They were a bitch to wear.  


Natasha reached over and pulled Tony’s clip on earrings off. Tony rubbed his lobes and smiled brightly at Natasha, who quirked her lips in return.  


“Who did your make-up?” Natasha asked Tony. “It looks good.”  


“We watched lots of youtube videos. Did you know there’s a lot of make-up out there? Like. A lot. Too much. So we made Darcy do it because eyeliner is the devil,” Tony said to Natasha’s shoulder, as he’d slumped over onto it. He attempted to nod sagely, but only succeeded in nuzzling her arm. Natasha just patted his head and shifted him over towards Steve.  


“Is Tony drunk?” Steve asked Clint.  


Clint shrugged. “Not really? He did have a drink that was a rather terrifying shade of green. I think it was called the Hulk Smasher. There was a waiver involved. Tony said he had to have it. I think he had like...three? So, actually, yes. He is extremely drunk.”  


Bruce rolled his eyes.  


“But, other than that, we are completely alcohol free.”  


“I’m not sure whether that’s reassuring or not,” Bruce said. “Quite frankly – “  


The door burst open, interrupting Bruce. Darcy, still dressed in the tuxedo that was clearly tailored to her body with the top hat and monocle still on, started talking as soon as the door was open, not taking in her surroundings, other than Clint and Tony.  


“You!” She thrust a pair of lacy underwear in Clint’s direction. “You left your panties in my car.”  


Clint choked and frantically gestured for her to stop talking, his eyes darting to the others’ faces, hoping they’d somehow not heard (unlikely), but Darcy was squinting to keep the monocle in and didn’t notice or didn’t care that there were Avengers other than Tony and Clint present.  


“And you! How did your stockings get into my CD player? You were sitting in the backseat when Clint took them off. You owe me a new stereo system, mister.” Darcy turned to Tony and shook her finger in his face. “And I want a nice one.” She looked up, noticing the rest of the Avengers standing there for the first time. “Oops?”  


“Clint! Why don’t you want to wear our friendship panties?” Tony whined, pout in full force, conveniently forgetting that he’d finally managed to wrestle Clint out of them before they got home.   


Steve nearly dropped Tony on the ground, but managed to grab Tony’s arm before he collapsed entirely. Bruce clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter and a wicked smirk appeared on Natasha’s face.  


Clint hated Tony so much. And Darcy. And alien fanboys. And he loathed friendship panties. He was going to burn them the first chance he got.  


Thor ignored the rest of his team in favor of Darcy. Thor smiled widely and crossed over to Darcy to pick her up and twirl her around. The top hat fell off Darcy’s head and Natasha picked it up before Thor could step on it.  


“Whoa there, big guy. Squishing me a little here.” Darcy gasped.  


“My apologies,” Thor said as he sat Darcy back down. She wobbled a bit before giving Thor a thumbs up.  


“All good.”  


Natasha stopped teasing Clint long enough to run her eyes up and down Darcy, taking in her outfit and smiled at the younger woman. She placed Darcy’s hat back on her head and winked. “Looking good there. What’s the occasion?”  


Darcy blushed and opened her mouth to reply when Clint spoke up.  


“Not cool, Tasha. No using your powers of seduction to get answers. We have a pact,” Clint gestured to Darcy and Tony, “and you will not break us.”  


“Yeah,” piped up Tony. He was nodding emphatically in agreement with Clint, almost tumbling over from where he’d managed to plaster himself to Steve’s side. Tony had finally been persuaded to let his shoes go by the other man before Darcy’s outburst.  


_Sorry_ , mouthed Darcy to Natasha. The older woman smiled and linked her arm through Darcy’s.  


“It’s fine. You’re staying here tonight though. Let’s go get you something more comfortable to wear. The hat suits you.” Natasha led Darcy out of the entryway.  


“She’s going to crack so hard.” Clint frowned after them.  


“Come on, time to put you two to bed.” Steve ushered Tony and Clint towards the bedrooms. Thor trailed behind and Bruce waved at them as he turned to go down to his lab.  


“You’ll be strong, right buddy?” Clint asked Tony.  


“Strong as…a strong thing,” Tony mumbled, face smushed to Steve’s chest.  


Thor clapped Clint on the shoulder when they reached his room. “I bid you goodnight and congratulate you on your pleasing appearance this night.” Clint just stared as the god entered his room.  


“Did Thor just call me pretty?”  


“You’re super pretty. Like a pretty...thing,” Tony said, managing to lift his head and attempt to wink at Clint. He succeeded in shutting his eyes. Steve sighed and picked a slowly sinking Tony up.  


“Night, Clint,” said Steve as he went to deposit Tony in his bed. Clint nodded and waved at the pair.  


“Well that was an unmitigated disaster,” Clint told the ceiling as he went into his room and flopped on his bed, too lazy to bother removing his dress.  


*  


The next morning the Avengers had their weekly meeting at SHIELD.  


Clint and Tony sat together, ignoring the smirks from the rest of their teammates. Tony wore a pair of sunglasses; the Hulk Smasher definitely packed a punch that Tony still felt.  


Coulson raised an eyebrow when he entered the conference room and saw the still somewhat sparkly pair, but chalked it up to their usual shenanigans. He really didn’t want to know, though he had a feeling he should be informed, if only so he could take preventative measures for next time they planned something stupid.  


“Gentlemen,” Fury said to Tony and Clint as he walked in, a knowing grin on his face.  


Clint slid down in his chair, wondering if he could sit under the table for the rest of the meeting. Or the rest of his life. Either one. Tony just smirked and blew Fury a kiss.  


“I trust there will be no repeat of last night?” Fury asked.  


Clint looked at the director suspiciously. “What do you know about last night?”  


“Everything.”  


Well fuck.


End file.
